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Marijke Mahieu

"The Chase" by Marijke Mahieu

SF&F Picture 2 out of 20 by Marijke Mahieu
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One of those short stand-alone stories that pop into one's mind and demand to be written out at once.

Written for all the Immortal Wolves! Guess who the young boy is...?*grins*

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Tree trunks flashed by, each one flowing into the next by the mere speed of the figure running between them. The twigs they had dropped weeks ago now snapped easily underfoot as a young boy rushed through the old forest, his feet desperately trying to find a way amidst the many heavy oaks.

His bright green eyes squinted to slits as he tried to focus on his surroundings, making sure he wouldn’t slip on the leaves or stumble over the many gnarled roots that stuck out at verious odd-looking angles. It looked as if the world had been turned upside down. The once lush canopy had now sunk down towards the forest floor, adjusted by the season to look like a thick blanket of foliage, hiding the treatcherous root parts.

Leaves sprang up under his hurrying feet, falling back down in a whirpool of browns, greens and reds. The boy didn’t stop to admire the rich autumn colours or to worry about the obvious tracks his passing was leaving. He didn’t care about the rustling of the leaves or the cracking noises of the twigs that got crushed under his boots.

There was only a single thing on his mind: run!

The same gust of wind that ruffled the boy’s light hair passed over him, played through the dry leaves for a moment and then stroked through the thick fur of the animal close behind. The canine creature snapped angrily at some of the leaves that were carried by the wind, showing two rows of gleaming white teeth, sharp as daggers. The snarl stayed on its muzzle while it increased its pace and focussed on the target in front.

The boy looked over his shoulder quickly. The wolf was still behind him. He tried to run even faster and said a quick, silent prayer to his goddess, asking to grant him the speed of the eagle so he could outrun the creature that followed him.

His breath came out in anxious little puffs, leaving a faint trail of white steam in the cold air, as he hurried on, trying to shake off the wolf. His stinging lungs were telling him he wouldn’t be able keep this up much longer, but his legs took no notice. They kept on moving as fast as they could.

The boy’s bow had obviously been slung onto his back in a hurry. It was swinging dangerously from the nervous running, almost as wildly as the dead rabbit that hung from the boy’s other shoulder. Without slowing down or looking behind him, the boy tried to grab both the bow and his supper more closely, not wanting to have to leave either of the two behind.

And then it happened.

One of his feet, delving deep into the dense forest carpet while hurrying on, got stuck under a conceiled arched tree root and the boy fell face down into the soft bed of brightly coloured leaves. As the boy turned around and attempted to crawl to his feet, his eyes widened at the animal that was now almost upon him.

The wolf leapt...

...and jumped over the boy with a grin on its face. “I told you you can’t win from me! Why do you keep challenging me?” it spoke to the sulking kid “Come on! Hand over my prize.”

The young boy sighed and tossed the rabbit towards the wolf. “One day, I’ll beat you at running, Paws. Just like dad! You just wait and see!” He grinned as he scratched his furry companion behind the ears.

←- A Kiss of Change | Eli's journal_part1 -→

DateNameComment 
17 Jul 2005:-) Smokeleopard
Whoa! So much for my HTML attempt...

11 Marijke Mahieu replies: "*grins* Nah, not your fault! Html never shows straight away. Only when I reply the tags start to work...so nothing to worry about! 12"
19 Sep 2005:-) Keith D. Brooks Jr.
Very nice read. I was hooked to the end and surprised by the happy ending; a good sign of a great writer. 2

13 Marijke Mahieu replies: "Thank you so much! I appreciate every input I get and getting nice compliments like these once in a while is a real ego-booster 12"
14 Feb 2006:-) Deborah Cullins Smith
Since someone else has already caught all the spelling errors, I'll bypass that part. The imagery is breath-taking. I am seeing that in all your work, Marijke. You are great at describing the scenes and characters until the reader can practically SMELL the carpet of leaves on the ground, and feel the rough bark of the trees! What a fantastic gift! And for someone who's first language is NOT English, you are doing impressively well. Beautifully written. A very enjoyable story!

37 Marijke Mahieu replies: "Thank you so much for this nice comment, Deb! I really appreciate the input 2 And I set out to do just that with this little story. It serves no real purpose. I just wanted to take a snapshot out of something and try to describe it as vividly as possible. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my story 2"
17 Feb 2006:-) Miriam Doris Plachta
Short stand-alone stories never pop into MY mind! This makes them impressive to me- and this is one of the best I've read! I'm a huge fan of the mindblow (may have made this word up- you know what I mean, that "ooomg, HE's the bad guy" or "ooomg, that whole first half was a dream," etc.) but what makes this story unique is the total lack of "cheating"-- the assumed situation is completely of the reader's own creation: no dramatic soundtrack, no sneaky tricks to made the reader think the boy is scared for his life or the wolf is evil, just the omission of a first "let's race" sentence. When I reread it, every phrase still fits, just with a mood of eager competition rather than terrifying despair. Making the readers trick themselves is much more challenging than tricking the readers.

On a different note, I've seen several writers on Elfwood with English as their second language, and I've always wanted to ask: How?! I mean, your English is clearly better than many native speakers', but doesn't it drive you crazy not to write in Dutch? I have attempted to write creatively in my second languages, but all I can think is "this would be better in English." Just wondering.

60 Marijke Mahieu replies: "I'm so happy that you thought this set-up worked. I myself found it a little cheesy...like it was a give-away from the start, but that's of course because I knew what was happening to begin with. So I'm glad to know someone else thought it had the desired effect 2 And to think you actually reread the whole thing once you knew the ending leaves me stunned! That's a dedicated reader, that is! 12 Thank you for the compliment on the English! To be honest, Dutch is really not suited to write fantasy in...Translating words that I feel really need the English to work (like wizard, magic, etc) sounds really silly and childish in my language. Actually, the only thing I'm remotely interested in writing in Dutch is journalism. English is just such a beautiful and eloquent language to me...so it's my favourite 12"
19 Mar 2006:-) Brendon Adam Shapiro
Heh, this was fun! Was not expecting that ending...

Really a wonderful descriptive job, and you got the suspense going. An excellent read, thank you!

18 Marijke Mahieu replies: "Heh. Thank YOU for reading and commenting! Glad you enjoyed this short thing 12"
1 May 2006:-) Malin M. Larsson
You really fooled me. I was at the state where you go "Oh, lord, does she think we have never heard this before?" and then you turned it all around leaving me embarrassed. Sorry for doubting you, after reading "Gold Dust" I really shouldn't have - your skill was too obvious. Great language once more, and I think you give the end away a bit in the beginning although I thought it was a mistake. The description of the forest is too cheerfully to contain death and destruction of a child. The characters are fun and I want to know more... have anything else written about them?

hugs Tusenord

23 Marijke Mahieu replies: "Hey there! Thanks so much for this nice comment. And you're allowed to doubt, you know! Not everything I write is good...far from it sometimes! I only put up here what I think is half decent 12 There's nothing else about the boy or Paws on this shelf...yet...This was a funny little thing that popped up one day and I twisted so much that it would fit my setting 2 The boy is the son of Eliondir Nodor, though...And that's the same Eli as the one in "Eli's journal" on my shelf. Paws is Eli's wolf companion, but I'm waaaaaay behind on filling in the diary. It's still quite some time till the two of them meet up. Thanks again for reading!"
5 May 200645 Brian Rich
Hi, Marijke. I have a few minutes today to catch up on some more of your work. Wow, you really caught me by surprise. You had such an intense scene going. I thought for certain that the boy was going to "get it" but it was all fun and games. Nice little example on perception. Things aren't always what they seem. If I haven't said it already, you have a beautiful gift for descriptive writing and imagery. Always a joy to read.

18 Marijke Mahieu replies: "Hi there Brian! Thank you for reading and commenting! I do like playing with perception and reader interpretation so I'm glad this worked out ok in this story. Thank you for your kind words 2"
9 May 200645 L. Shanra Kuepers
Finally, after ages and ages, I get around to your shelf a little again. ^-^ Not sure you remember me, but I'll be trying to get caught up on your shelf as soon as I can. ^-^ Nits first, rest last.

his feet desperately trying <- foot/feet. I found the repetition a little jarring, especially as you don't really need 'underfoot' present, given the rest of the sentence. Could just be me, though. ^-^ Very grabbing first paragraph, little nit aside.

I'll try not to repeat any nits, unless I disagree or want to add to them, btw.

his passing was leaving <- this could easily be a severe dislike on my part, but have you considered making it an active sentence? As said, it could easily be me, so you might want to get a second opinion on it.

only a single thing on his mind: run! <- I think the expression here is 'only one'. I know 'only a single' is possible in certain contexts, just not convinced that this is one of them. Might want to ask a native speaker about the reasons, though.

the boy’s other <- his, to avoid repetition.

*grins* That is such a delightful twist on the ending! I didn't find the story cliched, but then I haven't read many like this, so I'm probably biased. I absolutely love the imagery you used in this and the fast pace this has. You really managed to capture the speed of the moment in this piece, as well as captured the emotions and the trickery for the reader.

It was an absolutely breath-taking read! Wonderful take on the idea and beautifully executed.

35 Marijke Mahieu replies: "Well hello there Shanra! I DO remember you. You were one of the first people that gave me really helpful and insightful comments when I first started my shelf here. I also remember you being a heck of a writer! 2 I'm glad you found your way back here! Thank you for the nits! I'll certainly make sure to look into them and I must already admit your offerings sound better than what I had there first 2 And thank you so much for the words of praise! This really was a sort of exercise to see how well I could capture a "moment" and misguide the reader at the same time. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts! 2"
23 May 2006:-) Debra Lynn Turpin
I would be THRILLED if I could write short pop-ups like this! Never saw the end coming, either...
I zipped through this hungrily and was surprised when the end came so quickly!
Your descriptions are just so very, very good. Not too much, not too little.
It just doesn't get better than that.

22 Marijke Mahieu replies: "Wow, now that's a lot of kind and encouraging words there! I'm glad you liked the descriptions this much. I sometimes think I go overboard when I start describing but at least some people like it that way 12 Thanks for reading!"
23 Mar 2007:-) Jon Midget
Very, very enjoyable little story. You brought out the tension and action of the chase nicely. When I reached the ending, when I finally realized that the chase was a friendly competition rather than certain death for the poor boy, I could feel the tension in my body suddenly relax. It made me laugh.

Because the story brought out a bit of the silliness and fuzzy thinking good stories give readers (my favorite author, Ursula LeGuin once said that all readers are "bonkers"12. Why get all tense? It’s just a story. It’s not like a salivating wolf is nipping at my own heels while I run through the forest.

But, of course, that’s the beauty of a good story, and this story in particular: the language is so vivid and real that I forget that it’s just fiction.

My only suggestion is to pay attention to long phrases that could be cut shorter. Especially in a piece like this that is so action-based. For example, "His stinging lungs were telling him he wouldn�t be able keep this up much longer" could be cut to just "His lungs burned."

I always feel a bit sheepish giving non-native-English-speakers/writers nitty critiques like this (You can speak and write in at least one more language than I can, after all). But I hope the input is helpful nonetheless.

I really, really enjoyed the story.

:-) Marijke Mahieu replies: "Thank you for your lovely comment and I apologize for answering this late! 2"
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About 'The Chase':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Marijke Mahieu
 • Copyright: ©Marijke Mahieu. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Chase, Competition, Wolf, Speaking animal
 • Categories: Elf / Elves, Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins
 • Views: 529


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Eli's journal_part1
When children die
Go to Hell

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