| Date | Name | Comment | | | 14 Aug 2005 |  Smokeleopard |  Loading...It was noted by others but I agree, the short sentences really work! (I'm a big fan of them myself) I think a short sentence often conveys a lot more impact and energy than a long flowery one. The style suits the lost and confused atmosphere perfectly. I do have a couple of crits about Eli's survival knowledge though, and the fact he has wine which he drinks and prepares to ration... Well, firstly, he should not be rationing the wine at all. He should be drinking it until he no longer feels thirsty. And if that means drinking all of it, then good, since it's better to carry in his belly than in the flask. But secondly (and much more importantly), he should throw the wine away and NOT drink it at all!!! Assuming it's alcoholic, it will only speed up dehydration and kill him that much quicker. In the desert, alcohol is only good for cleaning wounds (and maybe trading with friendly nomads for water...). As a quick fix you could change the wine to water, have him drink it all (and still be thirsty), and then note the point that he knows the water is better in than out thanks to his survival training. But regardless, I'm immediately hooked! In a few hundred words we've got a cool ranger hero, a mystery of his past, a desert to conquer, a sister to rescue, and let's not forget the blood... There was a whole lot said in just a few short lines. My favourite bit is "I woke up today with sand in my mouth..." That hits you right between the eyes! (PS - Sorry about the survival nitpick thingy...)   Marijke Mahieu replies: "Hehe...Interesting take on the survival technique. I take it you've been a boyscout in your younger years? *grins* But let's see how I'm going to talk myself out of this one...hmm...Ok, how about this? Eli is a ranger. He knows how to survive in a forest environment where he can hunt for food with his bow and water is never too far away (even if it's just dew from leaves etc). He has never been in a desert before, not ever...So he hasn't got a single clue on what to do to survive. The fact is also that he really has wine in his backpack...Can't change that for reasons I cannot reveal now. So he thinks that, since there's nothing liquid in the immediate vicinity, he will need to make it stretch as long as possible...Just because he doesn't know any better...And since he's reasoning wrongly about this, his situation goes from bad to worse a bit faster than normal...hence the fiasco from the second part on...*looks up* phew! Was that a little convincing?  Thank you so much for starting the journals, Jeff! And for your very interesting comments  " | |
| 22 Aug 2005 |  Samuel V. R. Joseph | Loading... Hey there, great beginning... lots of mystery, and the style perfectly fits the slightly insane, forgiveably incoherent ramblings of a lost amnesiac... a couple of things struck me a little funny though. Firstly, that bit about him rationing his wine (now there's a thought!) seemed to me more like common sense than the result of any previous survival training... I mean, if you were stuck in a desert, the logical thing to do would be to try and conserve water or whatever other liquids you may have. Whether or not it's the right thing to do, it just seems like common sense to me =P Secondly, I'm a bit confused about the details of his memory loss. I mean to say, he seems to remember some things, like how many arrows he had (how else would he know none of them were missing?) and that he likes his bow (he calls it his "precious bow"... unless there's some other reason to call it that? Maybe he think it will be useful for hunting...?); but he doesn't remember other things like his name or how he got there. I admit I know next to nothing about amnesia... maybe what Eli has isn't even amnesia, anyway, but I thought I'd point that out =P Anyway, this was a very interesting read!  Marijke Mahieu replies: "Heya! Thank you so much for reading and commenting! It's highly appreciated and I will try and return the favour as soon as I can As for your points: I agree completely on the survival thing! Yes, common sense is what made him ration the wine, combined with the fact that he knew survival techniques from the forest. But it would indeed be better to describe it as common sense instead of his knowledge of how to survive...hmm...must look into that! As for his memory loss, I can't give you too much of an explanation without giving away the rest of the story, but yes...Eli has very selective amnesia. He will remember certain things and have lost all memory of others. But he is slowly retrieving some of those memories throughout the journals. At first he doesn't even know his name or recognizes his sister's. At the end of this part he already knows the names again. He knows about his arrows because that's something from his own private life and he is very attached to his bow. He doesn't remember any of the other things that matter so far, though...I can only say, read on and find out! Thanks again! And sorry for the late reply" | |
| 11 Nov 2005 |  Samantha E Fortie | Loading... It is well written you can tell that he is confused. The short sentences show that well. I really enjoyed it and I relly wonder whose blood is on his clothes... Marijke Mahieu replies: "Glad you enjoyed this one! It's just the tip of the iceberg, this first chapter...Thank you for reading and commenting! " | |
| 18 Feb 2006 |  Brian Rich | Loading... This is gripping. I think the first person writing really helps put me in the narrator's shoes. I have a glass of water near by and I nearly downed it while reading. I guess I was getting thirsty after reading his plight. You really have the reader roped in and wanting to know how he got stranded and who he is exactly. You slowly give bits of information in a clever way. On a side note, I find it humorous that a couple of reviewers are trying to correct punctuation in this. It's a diary entry from a delirious man! Wouldn't there be some missed punctuation?! What is it with Elfwoodians? Every time I miss a comma in my stories the reviewers seem to cackle with glee and say, "Aha! caught one!" Oh well, on to part 2! Marijke Mahieu replies: "Hehe. Yeah, I love the reviewers...and believe me, if comma's are the only thing they catch in your writing that must mean you're pretty good I'm glad you enjoyed this one. It's very old by now, but I still kind of like it. Thanks for reading! " | |
| 19 Feb 2006 |  Brendon Adam Shapiro | Loading... Cool! I've actually tried writing about characters who wake up and have no idea where, or who they are, but I've never pulled it off nearly as successfully as you have. I'm very interested to find out more about this character - especially why there's blood on his clothes and why he has the journal of his sister. Marijke Mahieu replies: "Well, hi there! Thanks for coming back to read some more! I was intrigued by the idea of introducing a character with amnesia and then letting him and the readers find out stuff simultaneously. Glad you think it works! " | |
| 23 Feb 2006 |  Elizabeth Wilcox | Loading... This is a very interesting way to begin a story, introduce a character and grap the interest of readers. A journal can lead you anywhere, too. Anywho, I'm off to see what else you have posted here . . . Marijke Mahieu replies: "Hello Elizabeth! Sorry it took me so long to reply to this, but I've been gone from the internet for a while. Anyway, thank you for the nice comment! Yes, I do like the use of journals too. As you said, they can lead you anywhere..." | |
| 23 May 2006 |  Debra Lynn Turpin | Loading... I knew I'd like this when I read the intro. I especially love journal type stories. Nice beginning, I'm off to read more!  Marijke Mahieu replies: "Heh. Thanks, Deb! There isn't much to this first chapter and I often thought about putting the four chapters I have so far together into one to give it more "body"...maybe I'll start doing that when I reach my 50 stories mark " | |
| 30 Apr 2007 |  Désirée Dippenaar | Loading... What an interesting beginning! It has so many mysteries and questions already that it has hooked me~  I’ll have to read more!! I’m curious...  Marijke Mahieu replies: "I’m happy you liked it!" | |
| 14 Aug 2008 | Firefilly | Loading... it leads to a great story!can’t wait for the rest Marijke Mahieu replies: "Thanks for reading!" | |
| 20 Jul 2009 |  Silvannen Mystic Dragonrider Gerrard | Loading... Definately intriguing and an interesting and simplistic style that so effectively captures you unawares. I can’t help but want to find out more...that was your plan all along!.....well it worked! Nice job! | |
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Emma Lydia Bates
A.R. George