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Stories / Stories / Marijke Mahieu / Text 5 of 20 / Eli´s journal_part3

"Eli´s journal_part3" by Marijke Mahieu

SciFi/Fantasy text 5 out of 20 by Marijke Mahieu. ←Previous - Next→

Next part of the journal. I'm not entirely happy with it, but I can't say what's wrong either...ah well :)...Tell me all what you think!

←- Eli's journal_part2 | Eli's Journal_part4 -→

Noon, Day 145, year 538 (I think. Not that it matters anymore)

I awoke this morning to the sound of a singing angel. I knew then that I had died.

The pain is gone. So is the thirst and even the hunger.

I feel nothing. Nothing at all.

Strange. My angel has green eyes and a dark skin. I never knew angels looked like that. And I had thought they would at least speak the same language I do. But this one doesn’t. She sings strange, but beautiful words to me.

And I honestly thought the afterlife would have a much greener setting than this place. There is only sand here. For miles and miles. It actually doesn’t look any different from the desert where I was slain.

I don’t understand. This is all wrong.

Evening, Day 152, year 538

I am in a desert. I am lost, but not longer alone.

Several days ago I was found by a nomadic desert tribe. They gave me water, food and an angel to look after me. She has healed my burn wounds by some strange ritual magic and sat with me while I passed through the hells of the sun-fever that had wrecked my body and mind.

The nomads speak a language I don’t understand. They cannot understand me either. From the moment I felt good enough to sit up again, I tried to explain to them that I am looking for my sister. That I need to get out of the desert. But I honestly couldn’t say if they understood that.

They mean me no harm. I could keep my weapons so I don’t think they see me as their prisoner. I think I intrigue them with my pale skin and blond hair. I have seen my angel carefully touch my hair while she thought I was sleeping. I am as much of a mystery to them as they are to me.

I think she’s one of the leader’s daughters. He came last night to try and talk to me again. He made all kinds of funny gestures to explain whatever he wanted to tell me. I did not understand him. I never was good at playing charades.

They leave me be now. There is no point in trying to talk anymore.

The nomads all look the same to me. They have dark skins, burned a deep brown from a lifetime in the sun, and they all have black hair and the same pale green eyes. I think they belong to one family. There are 38 of them in total, most of them men, but several women and even children too.

They gave me new clothes to wear. I have never seen this sort of fabric before. It feels cool to the touch, much like satin, and has an almost liquid texture. These are not normal clothes, but magical constructions.

I suspect these people have a natural tendency towards magic. My angel, the leader’s daughter, certainly does. She has the power of healing.

She reminds me of my sister. But just slightly.

My sister. I keep having this dream about her. It never changes. Something is wrong, I can feel it. I need to find her, but I don’t know where I should start looking. If only I could remember where she is.

This diary. It was a gift for her. How come I still have it with me then? I remember packing it the day I left the village to visit her.

Visit her…

She had left, but why? I can’t remember. This is so frustrating.

I hope the nomads are leading me out of the desert. If I leave them I will be cast back into the endless, lonely sea of sand and I will still not know where I am going. If I stay, there is no telling where I’ll end up. But what choice do I have?

←- Eli's journal_part2 | Eli's Journal_part4 -→

Date	Name	Comment
18 Jan 2005	Richard Aaron Bruns	Loading... Some people comment that these are fragmented, but I think that they are not fragmented enough. They are a bit too lucid and coherent to be written by someone dying in the desert. Still, you have to tell a good story somehow. Readability must trump accuracy, and you have found a happy balance. Maybe we can just assume that the narrator has more willpower and writing skill than the average person. That way, when he is in a better situation, you can use your normal writing style for him. Marijke Mahieu replies: "You are absolutely right. I wish these could be a lot more incoherent than they are right now, but I think the audience would run away screaming if I did. It's hard though. I try not to mention too much (since nobody writes down very obvious stuff in a diary), but at the same time I have to keep the reader interested. And write the whole amnesia problem in...Not easy...Thank you very much for this insightful comment!"
18 Jan 2005	Georg Marquardt	Loading... I don't care what you are doing right now. Turn on your computer. Start up Word. Write more. And say this awesome concentration mantra: "More Eli for Gerrit. More Eli for Gerrit." Marijke Mahieu replies: "laughs You are impossible...but somehow this is exactly what makes me start writing again...You'll be glad to know that I'm currently working on part 4...yep, and that's all your fault... Damn! Can't seem to get that mantra out of my head now! "
16 Jun 2005	Jess Hyslop	Loading... I took in mind your comment at the beginning, and set out to read this at my most critical... but I still couldn't find anything wrong! I would say more about the nomads please, but that's already been covered so... There really isn't anything I can think of. I especially loved the bit where he said they gave him food and drink and an angel... it was simple but poetic at the same time. Marijke Mahieu replies: "Oh, thank you! Eli just thought that he had died and was in "heaven" now...hence the angel idea "
14 Aug 2005	Smokeleopard	Loading... Still excellent. I love the 'chopy' style. The lack of long descriptions makes it much more immediate and in your face. Someone mentioned 'honest'. I agree. Once he has all his faculties again then he can start to describe things in more detail but for now this suits well. I guess being on the brink of death, a person's world shrinks to the basic elements and simple thoughts. The clothes are great. (silk?) (Hey look, no survival rambles!) Marijke Mahieu replies: "Yeah, I try to imagine how someone who's floating between live and death and has his brain fried would react on things...I am still probably miles away from the real reactions, but it's a try . Thank you for still reading this!"
15 Nov 2005	Samantha E Fortie	Loading... This is getting really good. I don't want to be redundant I pretty much agree with other's comments. I can't wait to read more... Marijke Mahieu replies: "Eek! I'm so sorry! I forgot to reply to this comment earlier on and then just forgot! slaps self So sorry about that...Thank you for the lovely comment "
19 Feb 2006	Brendon Adam Shapiro	Loading... Neat! I really liked the beginning, how he thinks his rescuer is an angel, and that he's dead. That's the reaction he may very well have, if he's delirious and stuff, so that was a really good way to introduce these nomad people to us. And they seem interesting! I'm looking forward to seeing how this is all going to turn out! Marijke Mahieu replies: "Glad you're still enjoying this story! It's by no means finished after the fourth chapter...I just kind of have other writing priorities at the moment, but I will continue with this story some day "
19 Feb 2006	Brian Rich	Loading... This chapter takes the story in a new direction with the introduction of the nomad tribe. Good thing for Eli as he was in dire straits. He still has his unresolved memories and I only see one chapter left. Much to resolve in one space. At least I hope it is resolved because I'm really curious. Still amazed at the reviewers. They are looking for form in this. One says the sentences are either too choppy, another says they are too lucid. Being that these are the writings of a delirious man, it needs no method or form. The writer has the freedom to stay as close to or stray from form as she sees fit. Maybe the guy is articulate and maybe he isn't. It doesn't matter. What matters is your content is there and you didn't confuse us. Once again, nice job. Marijke Mahieu replies: "It's refreshing to hear someone's not interested in the style of these stories, but only in the content. It's really hard to be telling a story from first PoV when your main character is on the brink of madness AND still make sense to your readers. It's a matter of give and take, I believe This is by no means perfect, but so is Eli so that's alright then Thanks for reading and commenting!"
30 Apr 2007	Désirée Dippenaar	Loading... The repetitions are really good. They show how Eli is slowly losing his mind, like when he mentions once again that he is looking for his sister. I also like how you slowly reveal his memories, like that he was going to give the journal to his sister as a gift... really interesting!! ^.^ I’m still enjoying it~ Marijke Mahieu replies: "Happy to hear you still like the story so far!"
14 Nov 2008	Sandra	Loading... i wish i could go and see how people live in the sahara
24 Jul 2009	Silvannen Mystic Dragonrider Gerrard	Loading... This is really good. I can’t stop wanting more! (I guess though that I’m lucky that most of it is written now! Sorry all those who were forced to wait!)
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